Earned Secure Attachment for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

TL;DR Your Attachment Style is not set in stone. You can learn how to have a secure attachment style!

When you’ve grown up in a dysfunctional family or with emotionally immature parents, you’re likely no stranger to difficult adult relationships. Perhaps you know you run anxious in relationships, or maybe you shut down when people get too close.

A common misconception is that the way you relate to others, or your attachment style, is fixed and can’t change, but the truth is- YOU CAN EARN your attachment style and learn how to relate securely to others. Your attachment style can change! Adults who grew up in dysfunctional families can develop earned secure attachment through intentional effort and healing.

Understanding Attachment Styles

In case you need a refresher, here are the different attachment styles:

Secure Attachment: A securely attached person feels a deep sense of trust and intimacy and easily feels safe in relationships.

Anxious Attachment: An anxiously attached person often fears abandonment and struggles to feel secure in relationships. This can manifest as appearing "needy" or seeking excessive reassurance from others.

Avoidant Attachment: The avoidantly attached person often detaches themselves from relationships, struggles with intimacy, and prefers independence. They may quickly withdraw or create distance when overwhelmed or facing conflict.

Disorganized Attachment: The disorganized attached person can exhibit both anxious and avoidant behaviors, creating a push-pull dynamic. They may crave close connections and appear needy at times, but quickly withdraw or create distance when overwhelmed by people getting too close. Survivors of abuse may inherit a disorganized attachment from unpredictable caregivers- simultaneously longing for comfort, and being terrified of what comes next.

The Challenges of Attachment for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

Childhood experiences, particularly with primary caregivers, play a crucial role in shaping attachment styles. Secure attachment is typically formed when caregivers are consistently responsive and emotionally available. Insecure attachment styles often result from inconsistent, enmeshed, abusive, or neglectful caregiving.

This can be so challenging for adults who grew up without consistent and reliable caregivers. Insecure attachment can impact adult relationships in various ways, including difficulties with trust, intimacy, and communication. It can also lead to patterns of codependency, avoidance, or emotional distance.

Dysfunctional or immature parents who experienced a difficult or dysfunctional childhood may develop insecure attachment styles of their own. This can influence their parenting, setting the foundation for their child's attachment style. However, it's possible to break this cycle by learning to cultivate secure attachment.

Steps to Cultivating Earned Secure Attachment

To heal from the wounds of a dysfunctional childhood, it's essential to identify and address any unresolved trauma. This looks like unpacking and understanding how your parents’ parenting impacted you. From there, you can learn how to cultivate self-compassion and self-worth which will help start to orient towards a secure attachment. Through this process, you can learn how to trust your emotions and set healthy boundaries to support you in building strong relationships.

Another key component of earning your secure attachment style is that it cannot be achieved in isolation. To change your attachment style, it's essential to learn how to feel safe in relationships with others. This involves allowing others in, even when it feels risky or dangerous.

By being in safe and emotionally nurturing relationships (whether friendship, romantic, or therapeutic), you can begin to learn how to feel safe and secure.

When you have an insecure attachment style and are in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style, this can positively influence your own attachment style.

Trauma therapy in Oakland, CA can help!

Seeking support from a trauma therapist or support group can provide valuable guidance and support along this journey.

If you are looking for more support in healing from your dysfunctional family or childhood trauma, click below to learn more about how trauma therapy in Oakland CA can help.

About the Author

Mary Fleisch, LCSW, is a trauma therapist in Oakland specializing in EMDR Intensives and Ketamine-Assisted Therapy for adults navigating childhood trauma and complex grief. She helps clients build healthy boundaries, calm their nervous systems, and reconnect with a sense of safety and self-trust.